Ladies, you have sixty seconds... Go!

#Areyouf*ingoutofyourf*ingpeabrainminds?wearesickandtiredofthisbullsh*...

Oops, sorry, but we have to break in for breaking news: The President has just addressed the graduating class at West Point. He reminded them that the U.S.A. was, is, and always must be the greatest nation on earth - the richest, biggest, baddest-ass boss of the world. God said so. And anyone who says otherwise is going to have hell to pay. It is our job to keep all those primitive knuckleheads in line and protect all that is right and decent and civilized. Because if it's not us, it'll be a terrorist-harboring, country-invading, girl-kidnapping, wife-veiling bunch of heathens who don't even know how to keep order. And we can't have that.

When we come back we will break in to this breaking news to take you live to more breaking news - haha, actual breaking news, right, Ralph? - at the Sports Desk, where we'll have updates on Hockey, Football and Soccer. Plus - ouch - a replay of that wild pitch from last night's ballgame - in slow motion!

[Cut to commercial in which a man, happily watching his wall-size wireless TV, is interrupted by his...? girl, let's say ... in the form of a cartoon with blond hair and a bizarrely shaped body, who moves with clumsy jerks of her unsightly puppet strings. Get it? She has all the right features - blond hair, big eyes, boobs, legs - if only he could have her with no strings attached. Yuk yuk. Now, back to our show.]

Oooh, that's gotta hurt! Yuk yuk yuk.

No kidding, Bob, but, hey it's gonna happen. That's what being a big-leaguer is all about....

Well, what else have you got for us, Ralph? I know it's a big sports day... Uh, wait.... Aww, sorry, Ralph. I'm afraid we have to leave the Sports Desk for more breaking news....

But! (Dammit...)

Thanks, Ralph. We'll get back to you as soon as we can. Now, our Breaking News: Poet Maya Angelou has died at the age of 86...

(Who the heck?... Oh, right, sure. Black lady, funny looking, voice like a man's... Hey, this'll up our demographic balance in at least three columns... Good, 'cause, we've got a lot of sports to cover. Have we got that blond gal down there on the field and ready to go? Did you get her into something tight and bright today? We've got three guys broadcasting in the booth, and one in the dugout, if we want to look at beards and blazers...)

...among her many beloved poems, "I know why the caged bird sings."

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.